Bringing home Drake
Feb 29, 2008Drake, my first baby...the first time I knew TRUE unconditional love...Drake was having a very hard time here (at my home) toward the end of the last school year. He didn't care at all about his grades. Honestly, I cared more than he did about getting homework done and handed in. He was mouthy and argumentative. I thought maybe I was failing him. I thought that he needed something more than I could give...100% attention. My mom offered to have Drake come stay with her this school year (about 2 1/2 hours away) and I took her up on it. She wanted to make a difference in Drake's life and I had hoped it would be just what he needed. Someone who could give them their full attention.
This past 7 months has been hard on everyone. My little ones miss their brother and don't really understand why he is gone (other than he is going to school in Nana's town). My husband misses his fishing buddy, his friend, his son. I miss my boy and it is so hard to take care of him when he isn't IN my care. The person that I think this has been hardest on though is my mom. Drake has been so rude, disrespectful, pushy and just down right an ass to my mom. It breaks my heart. She is my mother! She is a GREAT mother too. She has so much more patience than I have. She is very level headed. She doesn't leap before she looks (which I do quite often). She also can put up with being shit on for only so long....and rightfully so.
Drake is coming home. Mom has had enough of his verbal and emotional abuse. I don't blame her in the least. He is MY responsibility. If he is going to shit on someone, it should be me...not my momma. She deserves to be Nana and Nana only, not a Mom to a teen. She raised her kid. I appreciate everything she has done for Drake. He has consumed her every waking moment for the past 7 months. I hope she feels a great relief though I know she is going to feel lost and lonely for a while.
So now...I must mentally prepare. Don't get me wrong, Drake can be an absolutely WONDERFUL person. He loves to help out the less fortunate. He cares greatly for his friends. But he is also 13...a teenager...an alien in my child's body. Puberty sucks. That difficult place between not yet a man, but not a little boy. I'm really not looking forward to the conflicts and will have to practice patience (of which I generally have very little).
He enrolls in school Monday. I tried to enroll him today but the lady that handles it all was gone for the day. I need to call Family Service and Guidance Center so that we can continue his medication management and get started again in counseling. Drake has mood disorder. They are pretty positive he is bipolar but don't want to give him a definite diagnosis yet. He is also ADHD. So...even though he is my sweet Dr. Jekyll...he's also my horrible Mr. Hyde. I am happy to have him home, for my family to be under one roof but I guess I kinda worry about the impact he will have on the household...his interactions with the other children, etc.
We will be sitting down for a family meeting when Drake gets home. I want to talk with all of the children about loving their siblings, not trying to irritate them and not being hurtful or antagonistic. I am sure I will be seeking the advice of my friends in time to come.
I'm kind of rambling at this point. Some of you actually KNOW Drake and wondered what was going on...so there's your scoop. Keep us in your thoughts.
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Drake meets the Topeka PD
Aug 31, 2008Drake ran away last night....twice. The first time, I loaded the girls up in the van and went to Drake's girlfriend's house which is where he went. I talked with him calmly about the situation and told him he could stay 10 minutes more (as a little cool down time) and then needed to come home. I explained that this was his "warning" regarding running off and that no further discipline would come of it provided he was home at 9:45 p.m. I tried to get a hug to seal the deal but he was still pretty worked up so the best I got was a pinky shake. (He was mad because his dad grounded him.) At 10:00 p.m. when he still wasn't home, I loaded the baby in the van and went to get him. He was about 1/2 way home (his girlfriend lives maybe 4 blocks from us) and I pulled over in the parking lot near him and asked him to get in the van. He told me no and that he was walking home. I told him the time and that he needed to just get in the van. He said "screw you" and took off again.
I came home and called the crisis line for our mental health provider (Drake has many mental health diagnoses) and explained the situation. They told me I needed to call the police to report him as a runaway...so I did. The officer came and filed a report. I gave him Drake's girlfriend's address and told him if Drake wasn't there, she may have more ideas where he could be. About 20 minutes later, the officer returned with a sweaty, crying, sorry Drake. I held him in my arms, kissed his sweaty head and told him how much I loved him and that running off was not acceptable. I told him he just needed to take his meds and go to bed. He asked if he was grounded. I told him we'd talk about it tomorrow. He wanted to know NOW so I told him yes. Insert downward spiral with episodes of screaming, punching walls, throwing things, wrestling with dad (and not in fun) followed by another call to the police. Drake was so worked up, he was hyperventilating. The officers calmed him down and took him to the juvenile detention center for intake where they basically just make a report and let him talk through what has happened. At 12:30 a.m., they called and told me he was ready to come home. I decided to leave the baby at home because I had just fed her and should only be gone 20 minutes. (I NEVER leave her.) Ahh...finally, it was over. (I'm sick and my whole plan for the evening had been to be in bed asleep by 9:00 p.m.) But it was NOT over.
When I picked Drake up, the woman told me to just have him go to bed and not further discuss what had gone on until the morning or he would just get all worked up again (No shit.). When we got out to the van, he told me "I just want him to stay away from me." "Him" being his dad (my DH who adopted him about 7 years ago but has raised him for 10 years). I told him that he just needed to listen and do what he was told. Drake then started SCREAMING at me so I took the keys out of the ignition and headed back in the detention center while at the same time, Drake took off AGAIN. They called the police...again. I went back to the van to find Drake inside it so headed back in the detention center again to let them know. They cancelled the call to the police. When I went back outside, I couldn't see Drake initially. He was hiding between the rows of seats. I got in and drove for a while before telling him that when we got home, I wanted him to come in the house and go to his room.
Of course when we got home (a whole 10-minute drive), Drake was "asleep." I grabbed his wrist to try to pull him up and he jerked it away from me which (I guess) made me touch his bloody knuckle and he started crying again. I told him I was sorry that he punched the wall but that he needed to come inside. I went in the house to hear BAWLING from Maddalyn. Apparently she woke up about 10 minutes after I left and was NOT pleased with the absent mommy. I took her from DH and went out to get Drake yet again. He had moved up to sitting in the seat but again was "asleep." I grabbed his pant leg and pulled on it. He yelled at me and I finally snapped and yelled back to get in the house. Once again, he refused. I told him fuck it...I'll just go call the cops AGAIN.
While I was relaying to DH what was going on, Drake decided to come in. Thankfully, he went to his room and laid down....silence...finally at 2:00 a.m.
Drake and I recently completed a class called Parenting with Love and Limits. I have always been short on patience and felt the need to have the last word. I have been working hard to parent in a different way, from a different angle because what I had been doing, was not working. I was so proud of myself for staying calm and in control of ME and trying to work with Drake. When he ran off the second time (the screw you time), my heart just broke. I was trying to help Drake and he just stomped on me. I am STILL proud that I didn't loose my cool until the VERY end. I know, I know...loosing your cool isn't a good thing but by nature, I am short-tempered. On top of that, I am sick and the only thing that makes me better is sleep. At 2:00 a.m., I couldn't be nice anymore especially after it blowing up in my face repeatedly.
So.....today...We have talked about what Drake needs to do when he feels that "flight" response (which is anytime he knows he won't be able to talk to or see his girlfriend). We discussed the guidelines of his grounding and the fact that while I take the other kids to the pool for the last day it is open, he will be staying home with Dad and working in the yard to get cars moved around (DH is a car collector...if only they ran...) He accepted it all without a fight. We'll see how the rest of the weekend goes...
For those that don't know, Drake has multiple mental health issues so while dealing with "normal" boys being pumped with testosterone isn't easy...dealing with "special" ones is even harder. I thought I was done "mourning" the loss of my Draker Bunny, that sweet, thoughtful, playful, happy little boy I once had....but I don't really think I am.
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Drake...round 2
Sep 9, 2008Drake ran away again tonight. Why? Because he didn't want to do the dishes. The police picked him up and brought him home. While one officer was talking to me and DH, the other was outside with Drake. Drake told him that when they left, he would run away again. So...they handcuffed him and took him to intake. After hours on the phone with this person and that person, he was admitted to a psychiatric hospital for evaluation. An officer escorted him, handcuffed again. He was crying and scared. All I could do was hug him and tell him that I love him. He is not suicidal or homicidal...he is just defiant. He will probably be home tomorrow. Hopefully, this will really be a wake up call to him...that life at home really isn't all that bad. I don't know. I don't know what he thinks or what makes him so unhappy. I wish I could wave a magic wand and take away his disorders...I want my Draker Bunny back so bad but I know that child is gone. And now...it is midnight. I have work that I had to do tonight and all I can think about is bed.
Oh yeah, Drake told the cop that brought him home that DH was manhandling him so now a report will be filed with SRS. Though it's kind of scary because it is not a process that I have been through and really don't know what all that means, I'm not concerned. Drake is not abused. He is loved and taken care of. He just kind of has his own reality. Fun times, I tell ya. I can't wait for the day when I can look back on all of this and laugh.
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It's always darkest before the dawn
Sep 11, 2008The situation with Drake has gone from bad to worse. He came home today from the hospital only to run away within 15 minutes of being here. He has just decided that he does not want to be at home. He doesn't want the rules. He wants to be in total control of himself and do what he wants to do. So...yet another call to the police. They took him to intake at the Family Resource Center. A woman there asked him if he went home, would he stay? He said no. Now he is at the Juvenile Detention Center. I have to go to a hearing tomorrow where a judge will decide on where Drake goes. Either they will release him to me, or put him in State custody. I SO do not want my baby in the foster care system. It breaks my heart that this is the choice he is making. I told him that I was scared for him. I just want him home with people that know and love him and want him to STAY home. They told me (at Family Resource Center) that if he is put into the system, it is because of HIS actions and only HIS actions will be able to bring him back home. They told me I have done everything right as far as getting him help with special services available in our community for mental health care, having a behavioral contract and sticking with it. It's just so hard. I just keep thinking about what he's doing right now...in jail. Is he scared? Is he crying? Does he need me? Does he really not care (which is what he says)? He'll always be my baby and I'm just so scared for what his future holds. He doesn't realize that he is making decisions know that will effect his future. He doesn't get the concept of future. Future to him is an hour or a day away...not the years to come.
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Update on Drake
Sep 12, 2008After reviewing the situation, the DA's office decided not to file a Child In Need of Care case for Drake. They said he needs an IEP (Individual Education Plan) which ironicially I talked to his school counselor about yesterday before he even got out of the hospital. He doesn't need one for academics (he gets As on Bs...on what he turns in) but needs a behavioral IEP. We will also need to seek services from Family Preservation. Their goal is to keep kids out of the court system.
I'm kinda ticked at DH though. I just got off the phone with him and told him the news. I expected him to be happy I guess. His attitude is more "why are they sending a kid home who doesn't want to be home." He doesn't get it that this is all a process and each step of the process is more severe for Drake. I am just hoping that Drake's attitude about how horrible it is to live at home has changed. I guess I will know when I go pick him up today.
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And...here we go again (Drake)
Sep 15, 2008He took off again last night. I really couldn't even tell you why. His friend (ex-girlfriend) came by and asked if I knew Drake was gone. He went to her house to get his bike (left from the last time he ran...or the time before that) and then followed her almost all the way to our house begging her not to tell. (She lives less than a 5-minute walk from our house.) Then her mom came over and told me he was at their house, she was on her way somewhere else and that Drake shouldn't be there because the cops said her daughter would be in trouble if they found him there again. I asked her if she told him this before she left. She said no. I suggested that she do so. Could I have gone to get him? Sure, but he would have just run off again and quite frankly...I'm tired of it all.
So then, Drake calls me at 10:45 pm and says he's coming home. Ten minutes later his friend calls and tells me he said he was locked out. I told her he could knock or ring the doorbell like a normal person. (We had the house locked so we would definitely KNOW if he came home.) He came back. I was sitting out front as he slowly rode his bike past the house and then turned around and came to me. He had a story about how he didn't want to stay but his friend made him (which I informed him I knew was a crock because of both her and her mom coming by). I told him to put his bike up and come inside.
He took off again. I called his friend and told her I didn't want her to get in trouble so if Drake came to her house, not to let him in. She called me back a few minutes later and said he was outside and wanted to know what she should do. She's only a child herself, 13, and I understand how hard it is for her to be "uncool" and telling on her friend, let alone to have him on her doorstep when he KNOWS she is there and not letting him in. I told her to go ahead and let him in and I would call the police and let them know that she was trying to keep him there so they could come get him. I asked her if he said why he ran away. She said he said he didn't really know. He was just feeling angry and wanted to ride his bike.
This time, they took him to intake and straight to the Juvenile Detention Center. I haven't heard from the DA yet, but I highly doubt they will not want to file a Child In Need Case at this point since his name just came across their desk on Friday. When JDC called, Drake wanted to talk to me. He did something he has yet to do during all of this runaway BS...he told me he was sorry. I told him I was too.
I'm sorry that he doesn't want to be home with the people that love him. I'm sorry that he thinks respecting his parents is such a big burden. I'm sorry that he doesn't understand that life at home is a walk in the park compared to the rules he'll be getting in foster care made by people who really don't give a crap about him and definitely don't love him. I'm sorry that he is ripping our family apart. I'm sorry that I have to explain to his younger siblings that he isn't going to be here. I'm sorry that he is choosing to start his adult life this way. Yes, he has 4 years until he is an adult but if he can't handle the rules at home, he can't handle them at a foster home and will continue to run.
On a lighter note...boy does he have a deusy of a "mother's curse" coming on him! I can't dwell on what the future holds as only time will tell. I can just take one day at a time and hope for the best for my child and deal with things as they come.
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And...they are releasing him again
Sep 15, 2008Our Family Preservation caseworker talked to the DA. The DA said she wanted to give him one last chance but if he goes back to the detention center again, they will keep him. So...yeah...give the boy just a little more rope to hang himself with. I just have this sneaking suspicion I will be writing another post in a few days saying he's gone again. Gee, I wonder why.
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Well, that didn't take long (Drake)
Sep 15, 2008He's off again. I picked him up from jail at 1:00 and he was gone by 3:20. Looks as though (once they find him) he will be going back to juvenile detention for at least 30 days.
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My 14-yr-old son is missing
Sep 16, 2008I have been journaling for my friends only to be kept up-to-date on what is going on but I want to reach out now for support and the ability to support other moms going through this kind of thing.
My 14-yr-old son has mental health issues and has been followed extensively for the past many months. He speaks with at least one person weekly about his life and his goals and how to get through on a daily basis. He has been running away...five times now since August 30th. He has spent 3 days in a mental hospital and 2 days (2 separate occasions) in the juvenile detention center. He was told that if he runs off again, the DA will have him put into lock down for a longer period of time. (I'm told 30 days). He took off again last night...only home 2 hours from the detention center and since promising me he would never run away again. Why does he run? Because he has rules at home and chores to do. Seriously...that's the extent of it. Of course, he also has mental health issues that are under management so we are not dealing with a "normal" teenage boy. He wants to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it. When there is any opposition, he runs.
Right now, he has been gone 18 hours (the longest he has been missing) and I am at a loss as to what to do and where to start. I am getting ready to take my daughter to preschool and will stop by the store to get some ink for the printer. I am going to take pictures up to the rec center near our house so that they know to call the police if they see him. I have already notified the school. The police talked with everyone on the street that he usually runs to (several kids on that street his age). I know he has to be in the area because he doesn't know anyone really outside of our neighborhood. He has no money and no where to go.
He has now been without his medication since Sunday morning so even though his thinking has not quite been rational, it can only get worse now.
For those who wonder...we have a behavior contract. We have plans of action. We are being assured by all authorities (police, family resource center, psychology staff, social workers) that we are doing exactly what needs to be done...and it's not easy in the least.
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Are you freaking kidding me? Rant-Drake
Sep 17, 2008I talked with an officer at the jail who assured me that a Child In Need of Care (CINC) case would be filed today for Drake. He then tells me that the judge will likely...get this...GIVE HIM A WARNING AND RELEASE HIM. Hello? He's run 5 times in 2 weeks and has only been at home (not in custody) 9 of those days! He runs away because he wants to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it. He told me last night that I should have let him get his bike and he wouldn't have run. Excuse me? Who is the adult? I am so pissed off. It took 26 hours to find him this time and he had been told that if he ran he would be locked up for a while. He knew it and did it anyway so they are just going to tell him ONCE AGAIN...if you do this one more time....
I'm sorry, but that goes against my parenting completely. When you give a child a consequence, you MUST follow through or they know you are full of crap.
I expressed my disgust with a social worker from the jail and another officer there. The social worker asked if Drake had a history of threatening to harm himself. I told him no but that I don't feel his depression is under control and he himself has said he feels helpless. He won't talk to me about it because "I wouldn't understand." He doesn't care about failing school. He doesn't care about going to jail. He doesn't care... And then the social worker told me he found several light slits across his wrist. Drake said it was from falling on a rock and climbing a tree. The social worker said the slits are just too consistent to be from either of those excuses. Well...HELLO...he hasn't been on his bipolar meds since SUNDAY and every time they lock him up is another 24 hours without his meds. He IS a danger to himself.
I heard that a certain judge is much harder on kids than another. Guess what? He's the judge we will be seeing today. I wish my caseworker from Family Preservation wasn't on vacation today so she could go with me. I'm going to see if our caseworker from Family Service and Guidance Center or my parent support lady will come with me.
This is like a bad dream. Don't get me wrong, I would love for Drake to not be in trouble but this is a decision HE has made and he NEEDS to suffer the consequences. I am so unbelievably frustrated at this point.
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I know it is what HAS to be done, but it still hurts
Sep 17, 2008There was a temporary custody order hearing today for my 14-yr-old son Drake. (Recap-He's a "flight risk" and has run away 4 times in the past 9 days.)
Because he will just run away again and is off of his medications, he is now in SRS custody. There is a meeting tomorrow that I will get many questions answered at but my understanding right now is that Drake is the one who basically put himself in SRS custody by his actions so to get out of it, he is the one that is going to have to meet goals and will need to have services in place such as an IEP. I expressed the need for mental health care and will do so again tomorrow. (He is on his 3rd day of no medications and these drugs aren't ones you fool around with and just quit taking.)
No one can brace you for the sight of your baby walking down a hall in a jail jumpsuit, shackles and handcuffs. I am not sure who that boy was today. It looked like the shell of my son, but it was not my son. Emotionless while his momma clung to him bawling. I'm so sad for him.
I think I will explain to our little ones that Drake is in a big time out and when he shows the judge he can be a good boy, he can come home again. I only hope that day will come. At this point, I just don't know.
Thanks for all the support mommas. I am emotionally exhausted. I think I'm just gonna go curl up in a corner and cry for a while. Oh, wait, I still have 3 other children that need me. No rest for the momma.
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Feeling better
Sep 18, 2008I met with the foster placement place today. They asked if anyone in my family could/would take Drake. My dad had offered to do so...so I told them. I talked to Dad after my meeting and he had already talked to them and told them he would take Drake. Nothing is finalized so I am trying not to be too excited, but it sounds like he'll be with family soon. YEAH!
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Update on Drake
Sep 29, 2008After much discussion, my dad is not taking Drake. I had to explain to him that it is not the same Draker Bunny that used to come visit him in the summers, that this was an emotionally disturbed, mentally unstable Drake and that I didn't want him to take on more than he could handle nor would I think he was a horrible person or felt let down if he didn't think he could take on the job.
Drake's foster mom put in for a 14-day transfer (meaning he would be leaving her in 14 days). The foster placement people told me it was because he was going through her things (he's snoopy). She told me it was because he wasn't fitting in well with the kids she has (3 other foster kids and her own 3). She made this decision BEFORE he got into a fight with one of the other foster kids...physical fight.
What they are trying to do now is qualify him for a hospital stay in a lock-down facility so that he can get his meds straightened out and be mentally stable. DUH. That should have been their FIRST effort anyway. So IF he qualifies after they screen him and IF there is even a bed available, that is what he will do. It could take 7 days to find this out...and 7 days is how much longer he has at his first foster home.
I asked his case manager if there was already a plan B in case he either doesn't qualify for the mental health facility or there isn't a bed ready. He said yeah...but was not convincing. This foster placement place (I don't really know what to call them) seems to have too much on their hands. They don't return calls. No one knows what the other people on the team are doing. I am just not confident in their abilities to help Drake. My dad and stepmom weren't impressed either.
They are supposed to allow us a minimum of 1 visit a week for 1 hour. Drake's been in their custody since 09/17. I have yet to see him. The last time I saw my baby was in a jail jumpsuit, shackles and handcuffs. They finally set up a few visits at times that not everyone will see him. Tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. so that I can take him to his psychiatrist appt after our visitation. Next Monday which will consist of his psychologist appt and our family meeting at the foster placement place...so really, that is NO visitation because we won't be able to do anything or talk about anything fun. And then again the week after that so that I can take him to another psychiatrist appt. Since he is a run risk, we have to do visits AT the foster placement place. Oh joy...sitting in a room with my 14 yr old who blames me for everything wrong in his life with nothing to do. Maybe I will take some dice or cards so we can at least PLAY.
I think I am emotionally removing myself from the situation. I am not sad anymore. I am not mad anymore. I am not disappointed anymore. I'm just here. It is out of my hands and I did nothing to bring all this crap on...other than expect my child to respect me. I have NO expectations of Drake anymore. He hasn't been to school in 3 weeks. He hates school as it is (though gets good grades on what he DOES turn in). Now I wonder if he will even graduate.
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Help is on its way...to Drake
Oct 3, 2008Drake was screened for a PRTF (psychiatric residential treatment facility) bed on Thursday and they notified me today that he did screen in for it (meaning he needs it) AND they have a bed available for him about an hour from our house (instead of almost three hours away). He is being transported there tomorrow. He will have to follow THEIR guidelines and show adequate progress and meet THEIR goals for him prior to being dismissed.
I talked with him a little bit today. I told him I wasn't quite sure when we would talk again or when I would be able to see him but reassured him that as soon as I'm allowed, I will do so. He seemed just fine with it all. He knows he needs help. He wants to feel better about himself. He wants help with his anger.
I feel a sense of relief...he IS getting what he needs in a secure (lock down) environment by professionals...not just some other adults who don't know what makes him tick or how to figure it out or how to teach him to cope.
Monday is our family meeting where we all sit down (family, SRS, foster placement folks) and set up a six month plan of how to reintegrate Drake into the home. The thing is, in our situation, it is all up to Drake. He is going to have to do the work to get back home. I hope when he leaves the PRFT, he is armed with skills that he needs to do so. I want my boy back home with his family.
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Not being allowed to be a mommy...
Nov 2, 2008...SUCKS!
I got a call from Drake's residential facility tonight around 9:00 p.m. telling me he was going to the ER. He had been playing football in the gym (WTF? football+hardwood floor=dumb staff member's decision) when he and another boy got tangled up and fell together. I asked if he was okay. He said yeah, you can talk to him now.
So Drake described what happened to me. Basically, when they fell, Drake's arm was on the floor, palm up, and the other child landed with his shoulder on the outer portion of Drake's wrist. He said he could move it but it hurt pretty bad. I said "Well, at least it didn't hurt enough to make you cry." and my 14-year-old boy said "well, not anymore." He did cry. It hurt bad.
Now my baby has gone to the emergency room for the first time without his momma by his side to hold him and make him feel safe. He's super freaked out about any kind of needles and, well, anything that might hurt.
It's very hard to deal with mommy instincts when you can't act on them. I can't even talk to him until tomorrow to find out what's going on.
I wonder if this is similar to what it feels like when your children grow up and move out on their own? You know, just because they are no longer in your home or minors won't make those instincts we have been acting on for so many years just suddenly disappear.
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Update on Drake
Dec 16, 2008Drake has been coming home for overnight visits since the week before Thanksgiving. He will be home again from the 19th through the 27th. The visits have not been the greatest; there is always some turmoil of some kind...BUT, he hasn't run away. His case manager called me today and said that it looks as though Drake will be coming home January 2 when he is relased from the facility. They are going to keep him in their custody for a 30-day trial before releasing him back to us permanently. I am going to have many things to get in order again...his mental health care, getting him back in school and trying to make the house run smoothly. I am glad he will be home but part of me is scared.
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Are you effing kidding me?!?!
Jan 21, 2009He's gone.He's not even been home 3 weeks and he's gone. Why? Because he has anger issues. It's really stupid actually. He was playing a video game w/his little brother Joseph. Apparently Joseph was winning so Drake quit playing (he's a VERY sore loser). Joseph is only 7. He was bawling. Drake's yelling about how he's sick of Joseph's whining. I told him I was sick of him. He treats everyone in the family like shit....except Maddalyn. He went to his room. I gave him a few minutes and poked my head in and told him I wasn't sick of him but that we needed to talk when he calmed down. He yelled at me. I left him alone for a while and then went in to give him his meds. He was playing that he was asleep. I told him if he didn't sit up and take his meds, I was gonna pour water on his head. You see where this is going? I poured the water. He jumped up and threw his blankets in my face. That was the first time I've ever actually been afraid of him. I asked him what the problem was, why he was so mean to everyone. He wouldn't answer. I told him he wouldn't be going to his friend's house for a while, that he was grounded. He said he didn't give a shit and still refused to take his meds. I left him alone for a little while longer and then went to tell him Ghost Hunter was on TV....he was standing at his window fully clothed w/his coat on. I told him Dad screwed his windows shut. He said so, he could still punch it out. I told him he wouldn't. He punched the wall. He hit it hard and bloodied his knuckles. I told him to go ahead and break it (his hand) so he put his HEAD through the wall. I went to call 911 or crisis or someone and he bolted out the door. I went out and told him to get back in the house and that he was violating his no run order. He said he didn't give a shit and took off. So...here we are again. The cops just came and took my report. I'm waiting for his case manager to call me back. I can't find his no run order, but the judge who issued it is a real hard ass. He told Drake if he was not at school when he was supposed to be, left home without permission or left me without permission, he was in violation and would be placed in a lock down facility...I'm pretty sure he said 90 days minimum and that he could extend it another 90-180 days. I just don't get it. I mean, I was a 14 yr old...granted not a boy...but seriously...this is beyond stupid.
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They've got Drake **update**
Jan 21, 2009Drake's friend called me and said Drake was at her house. She put him on the phone and he said he'd be home in 10 minutes. I called the cops back and let them know. They went to get him at the friend's house and he ran from them so when they came to pick him up from the house (which they HAVE to do because he is under the no run order) the officer told him that he was now also facing an obstruction of justice charge because of running away from the cop. They have now taken him to intake where they will do an evaluation and decide where he goes...to the JDC (juvenile detention center), back home or somewhere else since he is technically still in state custody.
He was bawling, apologizing, scared and bloody. He says he just got so mad that he didn't know what he was doing. BTW...he's a manipulator. I made it clear 10000% that he was violating his no run order and that he WOULD be put into a lockdown facility.
I hate that it has come to this once again. I can feel sorry for him because he does have mental illness but the reality is, when he is an adult out in the real world, having mental illness is not an excuse for bad behavior. He IS under med management. We go to therapy every week. There is not one thing in our community toward mental health that we are not a part of. It sucks to know that doing everything you possibly can just isn't good enough.
UPDATE: Just got a call from the juvenile detention center. They are keeping him. We have court tomorrow at 1:00. I'm sure Judge Mitchell will be locking him up. Judge Mitchell is NOT a mellow fellow. I guess this is what he needs. I hope he gets it all out of his system before he's an adult.
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And the verdict is...
Jan 22, 2009Drake is in the juvenile detention center for at least the next 60 days. At that time, the judge will review the case and decide whether to release him from JDC or keep him. His case manager won't commit to releasing Drake back home again after he gets out of JDC so the future is still yet to be known.
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Drake...not coming home soon.
Mar 4, 2009We have court on May 23 at which time the judge will decide whether Drake stays in JDC for a while longer (which I doubt because he hasn't gotten in big trouble) or is released.
Drake's case manager just called me and told me they won't be sending him home when he is released. They are going to try to get him into some type of youth group home type setting for at least a few months before sending him home to make sure that he can maintain.
I understand...but I want my baby home.____________
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What's next for Drake
- Mar 18, 2009
I know there are good foster parents and there are not so good foster parents. Realistically, I don't see how a foster parent would really care as much about their foster children getting better as I do my own son. Mentally, Drake is NOT ready to come home. He still can't own up to the fact that there is something not clicking quite right in his head and that he NEEDS help. In fact, he has refused therapy while in JDC. JDC won't allow him to take his ADHD meds and since his mood stabilizers make him so sleepy, they've decreased the dose which I only found out about when Drake told me. Why don't these people contact the parents? And WHY is his ability to be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed more important than him being stable? The system is so fucked up. I'm afraid he won't ever really get what he needs because everyone else has their own agendas for him.
I hope he comes home some day. I'm honestly fearful that he won't. He's stubborn and will do the opposite of what is asked of him just because it is the opposite...not because it is what he really wants. I wish I could control his actions but I can't. Hopefully he WILL learn out of all of this. ____________
Drake's court hearing
Mar 23, 2009Today we went before the judge to see if A) Drake would be released from the detention center and B) where the judge would place him.
The state and Drake's case manager asked that he be released to foster care. Drake's guardian ad liteum asked that he be released to home. Our attorney said that though we wanted Drake home, we did not feel he was ready and needed to prove himself.
Drake will be going to a foster home about 2 1/2 hours from here. Due to JJ's lack of communication with Drake, the judge ordered family therapy as well. I've been doing therapy with Drake forever. JJ thinks mental illness is a joke and HATES therapist situations. This is going to be lovely. I wonder if they can do the family therapy without ME.
So, how long will he be there? Untold. It depends on Drake. He has to show that he can maintain, can follow the rules, can be angry without running away. He has threatened to run away if he goes to a foster home. I hope he doesn't do that. Even though he has known for a few weeks now that he would be going into foster care when released, he still cried today.
Maddalyn was so stinkin' cute. I told her to give Drake a kiss and she reached her little arms out and wrapped herself around his neck. He was shackled so he couldn't hold me...but I snuggled him up and kissed him while he cried on my shoulder.
I sure hope he can pull his head out of his ass and realize that A) the world does NOT revolve around him and B) he HAS to take responsibility for his actions. In his mind, I am the reason he runs away. It's my fault.
I know better, you know better...and one day he WILL own it. Until that happens, I don't see any real healing for him.
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One more example of how the foster care system is SCREWED UP.
Jun 2, 2009So Drake...the chronic runner...was sent to jail for violating a no-run order issued by the judge. When he was released to jail, he was sent to a foster home. When children go to a foster home, they have a "packet" of their information sent with them (their immunizations, insurance cards, social security number, etc.). When Drake was sent to his foster home, they only sent his mug shot from jail. NOTHING else. I'm not quite sure how his foster mom got him enrolled in school but she did. After I told our family worker that she had none of Drake's info, they sent it to her but guess what they didn't send? Perhaps the most important thing. A copy of his no-run order. I called our family worker today to make SURE that the no-run order was with Drake's information. I was told that she wasn't sure but it didn't matter because he was in the NCIC system as needing to be picked up by any law enforcement officials.
Drake's foster mom just called me from the sheriff's office. (Poor woman, drug out after midnight while she has at least 5 other children to take care of tomorrow.) Guess what? Not only does she not have the no-run order, but no one from his foster care placement company bothered to fax the information to the local law enforcement (which his foster mom was sure they would do).
So what happens now? The chronic runner is being released back to his foster home. I know someone will come get him to bring him back to Topeka for violating the no-run order...but who knows if he will even stick around long enough to get picked up. I am so freakin' pissed off. Why can't these people get their shit straight?
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GD juvenile detention center and meds
Aug 2, 2009Drake takes two meds, one for ADHD, one for mood disorder. When he gets locked up, they stop his ADHD meds because they are a stimulant. Last time he was locked up, they also decided to lower his mood stabilizers because he seemed tired. Well duh. He's used to taking those meds TOGETHER so the stimulant also counteracts the tiredness the other causes. The dose they had him on was subtherapeutic. I know this because he was in MY custody when it was titrated up to a higher dose.
SO...I asked him this morning for sure if he was still taking the dose he used to of his mood stabilizers. He said he hadn't been given them for three ***. I couldn't totally hear so I asked "days?" He said yeah. So I called the jail. The nurse just called me back and said that according to Drake's chart, he has not been on his mood stabilizer since JULY 9TH! The nurse explained that Drake was "cheeking" his meds (you know...holding them in his cheek and spitting them out) and that the psychiatrist at the jail said to stop giving them. You don't just STOP giving mood stabilizers. Yes, I know Drake was apparently refusing them. But come the eff on. This is a freaking JAIL. If I can make him take his meds, why can't they?
Not only did they just cold turkey stop his meds, but NO ONE was notified. Not me, not his case manager. No one. The nurse at the jail had no excuses for me. As always, they pass the buck. He told me it wasn't a good idea for Drake to cheek his meds (no shit). I told him it was also not a good idea to completely pull him off of them cold turkey and asked why no one was notified. Of course, he said the nurse that was there during the week should have been the one to call.
More than likely Drake is being released tomorrow...in a horribly fragile state. He's upset because of being locked up on his sister's birthday (yesterday) and his own birthday today. He suffers from depression among other things. Since KVC (his foster placement company) folded or whatever and he became the responsibility of TFI (another foster company), the therapy he WAS recieving at the jail was stopped July 1st. No therapy...no meds....I HATE not having control of my child's life. No one else loves him like I do and at this point, I don't think anyone else really gives a shit whether he does well or not. ___________
Vaccination Irritation
Sep 16, 2009Drake is in a foster home. I discussed with his foster parent that I choose for my children not to get the flu vaccine. He seemed fine with that but said he wasn't sure "what the school was requiring."
Today the foster dad calls me and said the school nurse wants to discuss Drake's immunizations. So I get out his immunization record (which the foster folks have a copy of) and go over it with her. She couldn't read the copy she had so we got that all squared away. Then she asked about chicken pox vaccine. I told her Drake already had the chicken pox. She asked if I had proof? WHAT? She claims that the schools are requiring record of them having chicken pox or they are going to be required to vaccinate them. Excuse me? He had chicken pox THIRTEEN years ago. I would likely guarantee I didn't take him to the doctor. Whatever, I'll talk to his ped and see if they have record (since apparently a doctor's word is better than a mother's).
AND THEN, the nurse tells me that the foster dad wants Drake to have a flu shot. But I don't want him to have it. I expressed that to the nurse. I can pretty much guarantee that he will end up getting the shot. When your child is in foster care, you have no control over ANYTHING. I guess I wouldn't be so irritated by it all if it were MY actions that placed him in foster care in the first place.
AND Drake is petrified of needles...let alone needles for some crap he doesn't need.
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So, where is Drake now? Dec 22, 2011
Drake was placed with his biological father as a foster child shortly after the above post. It's kind of a messy, strange situation but Drake's bio dad's rights were severed for abandonment when Drake was 7. He (bio dad-Aaron) and his girlfriend (Melinda) became foster parents. I felt that maybe part of Drake's issues were related to not knowing his dad and thought maybe this would be the missing puzzle piece that would make everything better for him. He is still in their care. He still has his ups and downs but he hasn't run away and he is doing pretty good in school. He's a wrestler and enjoys running track. He lives in my home town (where my mom lives) and I visit him as I can. He can't really come back to Topeka. For some reason, it just triggers him and all of his unsavory behaviors. At this point, I haven't seen him for over six months. I hate it. Unreliable automobiles and a load of children do not go well together on road trips. I'm planning on going down in the next month though. I can't wait to see him. We email frequently and talk on the phone some (he's not really one to talk on the phone). I miss him terribly. I still feel robbed. Though I have a 17 year old, I don't know what it's like to raise anyone beyond the age of 14.
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